What Happened.. pt1

I’m going to tell you a story. Some of you know, some of you don’t. For those who don’t I’m telling my story as it’s still happening 4 years later.

So I’m going to lay it all out on the table.

I was pregnant with a baby girl, not Emma, her name was Makayla. I went to my regular ob appointment and I was told during my ultrasound something was wrong. She had a defect with her skull. I had never heard about this defect until that day, so I had no idea how serious it was. So when I was asked if I wanted to terminate I said no because I didn’t understand. Why would I terminate my child so easily without even knowing really why? So though I didn’t get why it was so bad by what my doctor was saying, it seemed pretty serious so I posted in a mom group asking for some prayers, that they were getting me an appointment with a specialist to see how serious her defect really was. My appointment wasn’t for a couple of days.

Waiting for the appointment we did so much research on her defect. What it was, why is was so serious, etc. I did post in that mom group again asking their advice/opinion. I was honestly just asking because I was so confused and had no idea what to do.

The night before the appointment me and my husband talked about all the options. In the end we decided to keep her. We would move to a one story house and build a ramp for if she needed a wheelchair. I am a sahm so I would be home to take care of all her needs. We were going to do this, we wanted to do this. We wanted to see our girls face.

That night was the last time I felt her kick.

At the appointment I got the worst feeling. I was so scared as I hadn’t felt her move. While there my worst damn fear was my reality. We were told her heart was not beating. We hadn’t even got to talk to the specialist yet. He did come in to confirm he couldn’t find her heartbeat either. 

Her defect was a lot worse than what they had saw in my ultrasound with my OB. Found out she had this defect since I was 6 weeks along. So she had this defect so long, she was just so tiny they didn’t catch it. And this being only about second ultrasound they didn’t know about it until it had got worse and was too late. I’ve been told countless times by my OB how bad he feels and seeing the pain in his eyes that he missed this. I could never blame him. Pregnant with Emma he made sure I definitely got more than just two damn ultrasounds.

We had a wake for her and I had a very rough recovery. Part that made it even better is my milk still came in. Cabbage leaves became my friend.

Not even a week after she had passed I got a DM. A girl telling me someone was posting about me all over their page about Makayla. This girl was posting that I was lying. That Kayla wasn’t a stillborn, that I aborted her. That I just wanted the attention and followers. I wanted the sob stories... I reacted. Honestly it probably wouldn’t have got as bad if I had ignored it. I regret reacting to her post because that’s just what she wanted.

I found out I was being shredded in some group chat. I had SO many people believe this girl. I had many nasty comments and messages. Some saying I had no right to talk about her. That I wouldn’t miss her if I didn’t kill her.. You name it, I had it said to me. Anytime I just mentioned Kayla’s name I got ripped apart. I could say she wasn’t aborted until I was blue in the face, nobody believed me. Some still to this day don’t believe me. It just doesn’t bother me as much now as it did then.

The thing is, I’m very pro-choice, and she was very sick. So if I had chose to abort, I would have said so. I believe woman should have a choice. So I would have said if I made that one.

After she passed, while I was out with my son at the park to get away, my husband did change her room into a photography kind of room. I got a lot of hate online for that. But what people didn’t realize is WHY he did it in the first place.

Imagine a nursery all set up. You painted the walls pink. You have the crib, the bedding, her swing, all her clothes, and all the baby shower invites and decor sitting in the room. The now empty room that won’t be used anymore as your baby just passed. Now imagine coming home after delivering your stillborn baby and seeing that room. I could notttt go in that room. I hurt everytime I saw it, everytime I saw her door. All the pink, all the clothes and her empty crib. My husband tried to help. He tried to change her room so maybe he would hurt just a little less. Honestly all he did was just put my stand and backdrops in there and emotionally took down her crib.

It REALLY sucked going to toys-r-us having to return all we had got for her and the employees realizing why. That shit hurts. Returning an unused crib is never easy to do :(

When I got pregnant with Emma, as happy as I was to finally have my healthy rainbow baby- boyyyy did that escalate the hate. I had people say I didn’t deserve Emma. Asking if I was going to abort this one too. I had a girl commenting that Emma was a replacement for Kayla because I must have been so ashamed for what I did... stupid right?

When my son got diagnosed with autism I had people message me saying they were concerned for his safety as I killed the last kid that wasn’t perfect. Again, stupid right?

So if you ever wonder why sometimes I’m such a bitch. Or why so many people hate me, this is the start of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say I’m innocent or someone who’s never done anything bad. I’ve been in many social media arguments. I’m basically banned from all mom-groups.

While I’m not innocent, there’s a lot of things I’ve had people hate me for, that I hadn’t even done. I’ve been accused of so many things it makes my head spin. I’ve been accused of running so many hate pages, but the honest truth is I’ve NEVER ran a single one! Recently I was accused of sending in things to hate pages, my favorite is I sent a hate page calling cps for her smoking weed? Of all the things I’ve been accused of, that made me laugh. I don’t even know how one would contact cps if I’m being honest. And I’d never call them over freakin weed, get real C.

One of the worst things I got accused of.. I’ve been accused of saying this instafamous moms miscarriage was fake, which I never said. Especially with what happened with me with everyone saying I faked mine-I’d never say someone faked their loss, EVER! That accusation broke my damn heart. I hated that people believed I would say something like that. That one made me cry hysterically .

Her miscarriage was not fake, her pain was real!

I just.. part of me being an ass happens because of what happened to me, and what still happens. It’s not an excuse at all, I know that. It just really gets irritating even to this day where I get hated on for things I didn’t even do. I think that happens to a lot of people. People hate us and it’s not even true.

Rumors can REALLY fuck with someone’s life. You guys need to remember those on social media have feelings and they hurt.

I won’t lie, that part of my life was so dark. I admit it hurt me a lot. I cried so much, I lost trust, I lost friends, I lost myself.

I honestly have NO idea how I survived it all sometimes, call me dramatic but it’s the truth. It hurt and I still have pain and anger from it all.

If you followed me for awhile you know of course it affected my husband as well. The loss of his daughter and seeing his wife and children get attacked, he lost SO much weight. It was bad.

I became mean, I became like a fuse. Things like this effect people. You can’t be surprised when they act different.
The thing I dont understand the most about all of this.. is someone lost a child, and all people could do was send hate. It doesn't matter if you hated me, that doesn't make this ok. Kick a person while they're down, so kind. I dont understand.

I had a girl tell me that getting hate comments about my daughter was my karma. That I deserve all the pain I have... but see some of the pain I have, was from her.

Writing this blog post has me in tears. Reading these screenshots again and writing down all that was said has me shaking. I feel like I’m reliving it all over again. I HATED this part in my life. I wanted it to end so bad. 

When I say my kids are how I turned out so strong, or when I saw they are my life I really fucking mean it.

     

If im being honest, I have no idea what this one was really talking about. What rumors did I spread? What hate pages was I all over? Slander campaigns? What?