I’m going
to tell you a story. Some of you know, some of you don’t. For those who don’t
I’m telling my story as it’s still happening 4 years later.
So I’m going to lay it all out
on the table.
I was pregnant with a baby girl,
not Emma, her name was Makayla. I went to my regular ob appointment and I was
told during my ultrasound something was wrong. She had a defect with her skull.
I had never heard about this defect until that day, so I had no idea how
serious it was. So when I was asked if I wanted to terminate I said no because
I didn’t understand. Why would I terminate my child so easily without even
knowing really why? So though I didn’t get why it was so bad by what my doctor
was saying, it seemed pretty serious so I posted in a mom group asking for some
prayers, that they were getting me an appointment with a specialist to see how
serious her defect really was. My appointment wasn’t for a couple of days.
Waiting for the appointment we
did so much research on her defect. What it was, why is was so serious, etc. I
did post in that mom group again asking their advice/opinion. I was honestly
just asking because I was so confused and had no idea what to do.
The night before the appointment
me and my husband talked about all the options. In the end we decided to keep
her. We would move to a one story house and build a ramp for if she needed a
wheelchair. I am a sahm so I would be home to take care of all her needs. We
were going to do this, we wanted to do this. We wanted to see our girls face.
That night was the last time I
felt her kick.
At the appointment I got the
worst feeling. I was so scared as I hadn’t felt her move. While there my worst
damn fear was my reality. We were told her heart was not beating. We hadn’t
even got to talk to the specialist yet. He did come in to confirm he couldn’t
find her heartbeat either.
Her defect was a lot worse than
what they had saw in my ultrasound with my OB. Found out she had this defect
since I was 6 weeks along. So she had this defect so long, she was just so tiny
they didn’t catch it. And this being only about second ultrasound they didn’t
know about it until it had got worse and was too late. I’ve been told countless
times by my OB how bad he feels and seeing the pain in his eyes that he missed
this. I could never blame him. Pregnant with Emma he made sure I definitely got
more than just two damn ultrasounds.
We had a wake for her and I had
a very rough recovery. Part that made it even better is my milk still came in.
Cabbage leaves became my friend.
Not even a week after she had
passed I got a DM. A girl telling me someone was posting about me all over
their page about Makayla. This girl was posting that I was lying. That Kayla
wasn’t a stillborn, that I aborted her. That I just wanted the attention and followers.
I wanted the sob stories... I reacted. Honestly it probably wouldn’t have got
as bad if I had ignored it. I regret reacting to her post because that’s just
what she wanted.
I found out I was being shredded
in some group chat. I had SO many people believe this girl. I had many nasty
comments and messages. Some saying I had no right to talk about her. That I
wouldn’t miss her if I didn’t kill her.. You name it, I had it said to me.
Anytime I just mentioned Kayla’s name I got ripped apart. I could say she
wasn’t aborted until I was blue in the face, nobody believed me. Some still to
this day don’t believe me. It just doesn’t bother me as much now as it did
then.
The thing is, I’m very
pro-choice, and she was very sick. So if I had chose to abort, I would have
said so. I believe woman should have a choice. So I would have said if I made
that one.
After she passed, while I was
out with my son at the park to get away, my husband did change her room into a
photography kind of room. I got a lot of hate online for that. But what people
didn’t realize is WHY he did it in the first place.
Imagine a nursery all set up.
You painted the walls pink. You have the crib, the bedding, her swing, all her
clothes, and all the baby shower invites and decor sitting in the room. The now
empty room that won’t be used anymore as your baby just passed. Now imagine
coming home after delivering your stillborn baby and seeing that room. I could
notttt go in that room. I hurt everytime I saw it, everytime I saw her door.
All the pink, all the clothes and her empty crib. My husband tried to help. He
tried to change her room so maybe he would hurt just a little less. Honestly
all he did was just put my stand and backdrops in there and emotionally took
down her crib.
It REALLY sucked going to
toys-r-us having to return all we had got for her and the employees realizing
why. That shit hurts. Returning an unused crib is never easy to do :(
When I got pregnant with Emma,
as happy as I was to finally have my healthy rainbow baby- boyyyy did that
escalate the hate. I had people say I didn’t deserve Emma. Asking if I was
going to abort this one too. I had a girl commenting that Emma was a replacement
for Kayla because I must have been so ashamed for what I did... stupid right?
When my son got diagnosed with
autism I had people message me saying they were concerned for his safety as I
killed the last kid that wasn’t perfect. Again, stupid right?
So if you ever wonder why
sometimes I’m such a bitch. Or why so many people hate me, this is the start of
it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not
trying to say I’m innocent or someone who’s never done anything bad. I’ve been
in many social media arguments. I’m basically banned from all mom-groups.
While I’m not innocent, there’s
a lot of things I’ve had people hate me for, that I hadn’t even done. I’ve been
accused of so many things it makes my head spin. I’ve been accused of running
so many hate pages, but the honest truth is I’ve NEVER ran a single one!
Recently I was accused of sending in things to hate pages, my favorite is I
sent a hate page calling cps for her smoking weed? Of all the things I’ve been
accused of, that made me laugh. I don’t even know how one would contact cps if
I’m being honest. And I’d never call them over freakin weed, get real C.
One of the worst things I got
accused of.. I’ve been accused of saying this instafamous moms miscarriage was
fake, which I never said. Especially with what happened with me with everyone
saying I faked mine-I’d never say someone faked their loss, EVER! That
accusation broke my damn heart. I hated that people believed I would say
something like that. That one made me cry hysterically .
Her miscarriage was not fake,
her pain was real!
I just.. part of me being an ass
happens because of what happened to me, and what still happens. It’s not an
excuse at all, I know that. It just really gets irritating even to this day
where I get hated on for things I didn’t even do. I think that happens to a lot
of people. People hate us and it’s not even true.
Rumors can REALLY fuck with
someone’s life. You guys need to remember those on social media have feelings
and they hurt.
I won’t lie, that part of my
life was so dark. I admit it hurt me a lot. I cried so much, I lost trust, I
lost friends, I lost myself.
I honestly have NO idea how I
survived it all sometimes, call me dramatic but it’s the truth. It hurt and I
still have pain and anger from it all.
If you followed me for awhile
you know of course it affected my husband as well. The loss of his daughter and
seeing his wife and children get attacked, he lost SO much weight. It was bad.
I became mean, I became like a
fuse. Things like this effect people. You can’t be surprised when they act
different.
The thing I dont understand the most about all of this.. is someone lost a child, and all people could do was send hate. It doesn't matter if you hated me, that doesn't make this ok. Kick a person while they're down, so kind. I dont understand.
I had a girl tell me that getting hate comments about my daughter was my karma. That I deserve all the pain I have... but see some of the pain I have, was from her.
The thing I dont understand the most about all of this.. is someone lost a child, and all people could do was send hate. It doesn't matter if you hated me, that doesn't make this ok. Kick a person while they're down, so kind. I dont understand.
I had a girl tell me that getting hate comments about my daughter was my karma. That I deserve all the pain I have... but see some of the pain I have, was from her.
Writing this blog post has me in
tears. Reading these screenshots again and writing down all that was said has
me shaking. I feel like I’m reliving it all over again. I HATED this part in my
life. I wanted it to end so bad.
When
I say my kids are how I turned out so strong, or when I saw they are my life I
really fucking mean it.
If im being honest, I have no idea what this one was really talking about. What rumors did I spread? What hate pages was I all over? Slander campaigns? What?
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